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With news that Marvel is no longer taking sloppy seconds from the major movies studios and is instead financing and producing their own films (starting with Iron Man and Hulk 2), I’m humbled by the possibilities that a stable for 5,000 Marvel characters can create.

But quantity does not necessarily equate quality and for every Wolverine is a… Wiz Kid? No offense there Speedy, but I don’t see the fat kid down the street begging mom for an extra wheel on his ‘trike.

All us men from the 70’s and 80’s can envision our own dream lineup of Marvel characters and actors welcoming us for summers to come (though, for some reason, all mine seem to star Michael Ironside and Shannon Tweed is some sort of taut sexual thriller). But as we have no control of the matter and are instead subject to the whim of Avi Arad’s biggest boner line-up, I find it much more entertaining to identify the worst possible cast of Marvel characters to ever grace one film.

Consider, for a moment, the amazing intricicies of a plot containing Awesome Android (though his head would have to be blurred-out the entire time to garner a PG-13), U-Man (in easily the worst costume to ever leave the Marvel warehouse), and Anus the Touchable? I know. U-Man and Anus would totally hook-up.

Really, the options are endless. But Avi… your Oscar is coming early, my friend. My screenplay, “Bustin’ a Nut!” is on it’s way.

-Wilson

Retort

I can totally see this plan dragging Marvel into bankruptcy.  The bigwigs will totally think they can make a huge superhero hit like Spiderman, but they will probably spend $300million making the next Elektra.  They’ll first hire an established director of swill and mediocrity like Paul W.S. Anderson or Michael Bay, and then they will hunt the scrapheaps of hollywood for casting.

Jealous of Topher Grace getting the Venom role for Spiderman, the other guys from That 70s Show will be itching to get these roles.  Danny Masterson looks like he could play the aryan Nazi U-Man (he might have to stand on a milk crate to look like he’s close to 7 foot though).  Ashton Kutcher is an Anus.  And Wilmer Valderamma has an uncanny resemblance to Awesome Android.  Can you believe a guy named Wilmer used to feel up Lohan’s boobs?

-Ed